Friday, April 6, 2012

The Life and Times of Rahul - 1

Hey guys! I’m Rahul. Yes baba, it is my real name. I’m a young, good looking, cute, straight-acting, straight-looking Indian gay guy. Nobody knows about my secret gay life. That is why I will tell you my “real” real name only after I have known you for at least 3 weeks or 3 blow jobs whichever is earlier. Actually make that 10 BJs. 3 BJs sometimes happens in a day no?
Why am I not telling you my real name? Arrey yaar, I have to take these precautions so that nobody comes to know I’m gay. You may be wondering why I’m declaring here that I am gay when I do not want anyone to find out? I have not told you my real name so you really do not know I’m gay. Simple! We gay boys in India are very clever that way.
We do a lot of things to hide our gay identity and yet manage to be the gayest of them all. How do we do that? You must be asking this I know. Have patience. I will tell you. That is why I am here for.
It is easy actually. Look at Facebook for example. Every gay guy worth his salty sweat has at least 1 additional profile apart from his “straight” profile. There lies a whole parallel gay world on Facebook with all the gay profiles that straight people can never see. The straight profile of a gay guy is meant only for his straight friends. You know the ones who like to fondle other guys only when they are drunk. Not the real gay guys obviously. Of course sometimes the straight profile also has gay friends but those are their “straight” profiles too so no one knows anyone is gay except for us gays. There are no gays in India you see? *wink wink*
Accha, so what else do we do to hide our gay identities? We all are straight-acting and straight-looking! That is our biggest Goli. Yes, even the straight guys do not know what straight-acting or looking is but we, the secretly gay guys, have mastered that art. I cannot really explain to you what it is as it is a very fine and delicate art. It cannot be explained in words. It can only be lived and experienced. We do it with such élan and finesse that the straight people cannot even begin to imagine it. We do so much straight-acting that even the mothers of other straight-acting gay guys like us. This is what makes us so popular with the ladies you see. Along with their straight sons when they are drunk.
Aur what do we do? There are a hundred different things yaar. If I tell you everything then our identities will be easily revealed na? OK, if you insist I will tell you a few more.
One more thing that we do is to look down on effeminate gay guys. Girlish guys. Yes, we do not tolerate effeminate guys. They bring a bad name to us gays by their effeminate behavior. They do not care for anything and always act like their real self. They do not pretend and do not do any straight-acting. They are always oh-so-open about everything. Very straight forward. How awful is that! That is why all of us straight-acting hidden gays look down on them. We make it a point to mention this on all our profiles in bold too.
Then there is our famous collective hatred for uncles. Who are the uncles you may ask. Arrey baba, any guy older than 30 is an uncle. Specially if he looks that old and has a mustache. These are guys like us only but they are most likely to be bisexuals who are married but don’t like having sex with their wives and mistresses. They like to have sex with us only. We do not like these guys unless they shower us with gifts. The gifts change the equation a little bit. Our tolerance level for them then changes. See, with gifts, they are showing us they are very good friends and of course we have to be more accommodating of our friends no?
So what more do the hidden, straight-acting, effeminate intolerant, uncle-hating gay guys do? Money-seekers! We absolutely hate them. These guys are the absolute worst of the lot. They are always clear that they are looking for money in exchange for sex. They make me wince by their honesty. We gay guys have lots of sex with a lot of people. Sometimes with uncles too but we never expect money from anyone. From uncles we just expect great weekends at expensive hotels or resorts, dinners at fine-dine places and of course a little bit of shopping. Even from other regular non-uncle gay guys we only expect them to pay the CCD bills. But money? NEVER! Those stupid money seekers make me sick by their direct and straightforward asking-for-money approach. Do they not have any morals at all?
Now you might be wondering that if we are such a great hidden society that no one knows about, how do we recognize each other? It is very easy yaaron. Gaydar! No no, I’m not talking about the website where we spend a lot of time. We have a very instinctive instinct that tells us who is a gay guy and who is not. This ability of ours is very uncanny. Just one look at someone and we know. Yes, that’s right.
This ability is how we know that 90% of all good looking Bollywood male celebs are gay. Just one look tells us. You have seen Salman Khan no? Yes yes, we *know* him. Then there is Shahrukh Khan. And Aamir Kan. And Saif Khan. And Ranveer Singh. And Ranbir Kapoor. And Shahid Kapoor. And Imran Khan. And believe it or not, even Imran Hashmi! Yes friends, we know all about them because of our Gaydar. It never fails. Sure sure these guys have girlfriends, wives, hidden female lovers and they keep on kissing stupid girls on and off screen. They do that because they are very good at being hidden and secret na. We are proud of this quality of ours.
Chalo Bhaiyon, now my time is up. Mayan told me to write a blog post as he does not get a lot of time these days so I thought I will tell you something very explosive. I’m sure you all must be reeling from all the sensational exposé about secret hidden Indian gay guys. Till you started reading my post you did not even know something like this existed and now you are stunned that we exist, na? I will come back with more about myself and our hidden society soon. Until then *mwah*!


Anonymous said...

Miyoooooo keep it up! your humor post is as good as the stories you weave

feet said...

yes... u r very ture..same is the case with me...can v be friends.... my fb id is nayan naf..

Vishwa said...

I loved reading it.
It was humorous, uncanny, the narrative is very 'indian'... quite like the one we read in The White Tiger.
Excellently Written. You are TALENTED, my man! :)

Anonymous said...

u seem very very immature the way u posted ur article.u also seem not to be thinking about what you post.just open up ur day u'll also b the uncle.mind it and not only tht,there r a lot of people who hate certain things and some one hates u, the way u hate these many people will b shown in a mirror to u.mind u.

Anonymous said...

The thing you said about uncle i don't like . I am 30+ and i bet if any teenager beats me in Running , cycling , swimming or sex . In India image of uncle is chubby , smelly , ugly , bald . But let me tell you world is changing . I guess 45+ people are uncle . If u r 20 ur uncle got to be 45+ as he is ur mum's or dad's brother . So this misconception we have to remove . Uncles are 45+ .

Anonymous said...

Seriously ? About the greedy for money & gifts thing?

Crazy Sam said...

This post made me smile. True to the core and very humorous. However, I don't have a gaydar and I will not recognize one unless the guy tells me.

Hmm.. Salman and Aamir, really?!!

Anonymous said...

mast!! too good!! :))

Jahan said...

Umm... No, all gay men don't need to hide their identities and make separate FB profiles (WTF!). This is one of the most homophobic posts I've read from a supposed homosexual. And if it's supposed to be tongue-in-cheek in some weird kinda way it doesnt come across. Bah.

Big Boy Mayan said...

Jahan, you know the meaning of tongue-in-cheek so there's some hope. Now tell me, do you also know the meaning of satire?

Anonymous said...

Agree with Jahan.

Anonymous said...

I agree. I am 31 and have been in a relationship with my life partner for three years. I don't understand the uncle thing. Granted some are real fat and smelly but some like me are in shape, hygienic and well to do. Seems sad that we talk of gay rights in India while we discriminate our own.

mohit dasgupta said...

yes i agree with you Mayan.
but i have seen that most of the gay or homosexuals have their additional facebook profile. One of my friend is on facebook with a non straight profile; and he is maintaining separate straight profile too. Huh!!! how he is doing i don't know.

Also i accord your words that here in this world people are thinking that if a person is 30+ then he is uncle but sometimes 30+ men are also more attractive ;). But how you can say that 90% of male celebs are homosexual? and what is this Gaydar?

Anonymous said...

This is so true and evident in todays gay world and mind you it happens everywhere around the world. Kudos to the big fat Mayan .. Love ur write up.

Anonymous said...

Loved this post.